


A New Normal

by aftermathangel



Series: Infinite Love [2]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-06
Updated: 2017-07-06
Packaged: 2018-11-28 10:33:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 8
Words: 15,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11416092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aftermathangel/pseuds/aftermathangel
Summary: The hell that Tyler put Adam through has finally gotten the better of him. With Sauli's help he begins the journey of getting better and discovering a new normal for the both of them.





	1. We Will Fix This

I woke up to the sounds of quiet snores and looked over to see two small slumbering bodies curled up on the other side of my Queen size bed each clutching a stuffed baymax. It didn’t come as any surprise though, they had ended up in here every night the last week they’d been with me. There was no way I could blame them, they’d been thru A LOT especially the last few weeks. First returning to the house to find all their belongings scorched on the front lawn and now Adam being gone. He didn’t want to be … he wanted to be here with them but he just broke. I could see it coming for the past 2 weeks slowly little by little he was losing every ounce of strength. Tyler had taken everything from him and made his life a living hell. My phone buzzed with a facetime alert and I smiled seeing it was Adam. I clicked ‘accept’ and he popped up on my screen looking so much better than he did … but yet still so exhausted.

“You look better … how are you feeling?” 

“Bit better than yesterday … the pills are kicking my ass though. They say it’s just because I haven’t adjusted to them.” He shrugged and let out a sigh. He didn’t want to take anxiety pills but they were forced on him when he had his breakdown. He didn’t want to be seen as weak.

“It’ll all work out … just be patient.”

“How can it get better Sauli? So much is gone … the money in the checking account, all our belongings … my credit. He could come back at any time … who knows what else he has up his sleeve.” 

He started to shake, tears streaming down his face. It broke my heart seeing him like this. As soon as Tyler had gotten the annulment papers he used a fake id to unlock and take all the money out of Adam’s bank account (thankfully he had a good amount in a secret savings account). Then he proceeded to bring outside and douse everything he had thrown down in the living room with gasoline and light it on fire. Then he took off who knows where. The house almost caught on fire but thankfully a neighbor saw the smoke from the burning belongings and called 911. The final straw was that he had ALSO opened 10 credit cards in Adam’s name and maxed them out. That was when Adam finally lost it and had an emotional breakdown … there was nothing that I could do to help him on my own, he hadn’t come to me. 

“We’ll make phone calls and get everything straightened out. I will help you … it’s going to be ok Adam. I called and got a security gate put in at the house there is no way he can get on the property. The cops are looking for him as soon as they find him he’ll be away for good.”

He calmed down a little and noticed the kids were curled up peacefully in bed next to me. 

“They look so peaceful … have they been staying in there with you?”

“I put them down in the guest room but by the time I wake up they are curled up in here. I think they just don’t want to be alone.”

“I don’t know what I’d do without you Sauli. I … I love you.” 

The phrase came out quieter than the rest of his words and he blushed looking down in shyness like when we first met. It was the first time he’d said it since we reconnected. I looked at him my eyes full of love for this man … this beautiful special soul whose smile could light a thousand candles. 

“I love you too. Can I come see you yet?”

“Yeah you can … they don’t let anyone under 13 visit though.”

“Do you want me to come in? Rachel said she’d watch the kids.” 

He nodded and took a deep breath relaxing his body a bit. He’d been here this whole week without being able to see anyone … protocol they said. They had found him sitting on the edge of the side of one of the local bridges and someone had called 911. He said he wasn’t going to jump, he was just sitting there thinking, but they marked him a danger to himself anyway and put him under a mandatory hold for psychiatric testing. He had been having anxiety attacks due to everything and they at least were able to convince him it wasn’t a sign of weakness to take pills when you need them. The nurse walked in and I could hear him say that his time with the communal iPad was done. 

“Bye for now … sunshine.”

“Bye Addy … I’ll be there in a little while.”

The iPad turned off and I just laid there in silence for a few minutes before deciding to go get done. By the time I was done the kids were up and out in the kitchen having breakfast which Rachel had made for them. 

“Thanks Rach. Would you mind watching them for a bit while I head out?”

“Sure I’m not doing anything I don’t mind.”

Avery’s head popped up hearing that I was leaving and she looked at me with her beautiful hazel eyes.

“Are you going to see daddy Sauli?” I nodded and she walked over and gave me two hugs and two kisses. I had already explained to them they couldn’t go there. “Can you give him his for me?”

“Of course.” Ezra was sitting so quietly eating his cereal, I could tell that something was bothering him. “What’s wrong Ezzy?”

“Will daddy come back soon? He’s been there so long … I miss him so much.” Tears spilled down his cheeks and I walked over hugging him. That wasn’t enough and he wrapped around me wanting me to hold him which was TOTALLY unlike him.

“He misses you both SO much. He’ll be home as soon as he can don’t you worry. Be good for Rachel while I’m gone ok?” 

I gave Ezra another cuddle and kissed his forehead putting him back down on his chair before leaving. Adam had transferred some money over to my account from the savings so that I could take some time off work for the kids. I hadn’t moved in with him yet we decided to take it slow for the kid’s sake. Since I had the money I called for a taxi instead of having to transfer 3 busses. When we pulled up outside the hospital I thanked the driver and slowly walked inside. As soon as I buzzed in they allowed me to enter and gave me a visitor’s form to fill out. The corridors were clean but darkened and I could hear screams from other patients some not even making any sense with what they were saying. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end as I was escorted back to Adam’s room. I hated him having to be here … it was a terrible place to be in. The nurse left me at Adam’s door and I opened it slowly walking inside. The sight in front of me made my heart break. There was Adam his arms restrained on the bed, looking completely empty. He was asleep so I walked over and gently caressed his cheek running my fingers thru his hair like I had done thousands of times. His eyes fluttered open and I was greeted by the dullest eyes. It was as if every last bit of light had been taken from them. That killed me, he didn’t deserve that AT ALL. He subconsciously went to wrap his arms around me and winced as the straps dug into his arms. 

“Do they have to stay?”

“Yeah … protocol if someone is considered suicidal.”

“But you’re not … you said that you weren’t planning on jumping.”

He grew quiet and refused to look me in the eyes. The tears fell hard and heavy down my face … as soon as I did his face changed and he started crying as well.

“It’s not that simple Sauli. I’m sorry … I’m so sorry. I know I promised you … I’m so sorry.” He sobbed and I gently leaned down wrapping my arms tightly around him. As my hand caressed his skin the tears stopped and his breathing relaxed as he melted against me. 

“We will fix this … I will help you fix this. You have me for whatever you need ok?”

“I just want to hold you …” I reached down and undid both of the straps caressing the bruised skin. He immediately pulled me down on his chest arms tightly around me lightly caressing my spine. I buried my head into his neck lightly kissing it. “You’re the only person who makes me feel normal. You make me feel whole.”

“Would it help if I moved in with you?” I trailed off and he looked me in the eyes a smile appearing on his face as he nodded. “Well that can be arranged … can you go home soon?”

“I don’t know … they said I couldn’t be home alone with the kids. Not that they think I’d hurt them or anything … they think any extra stress could make me snap. But if you were there I’d be ok … you’re the only one who can take my mind off the edge. You know me better than I know myself.”

“And I will always be that person if you need me Addy. You are my rock … always have been. I love you … I love you so much.” Our lips touched in a simple beautiful kiss and his face lit up. He yawned and snuggled me in closer. “You sleep angel … I’ll stay right here ok?”

“I love you too Sauli … thank you.”

“Anytime Addy.”


	2. Good Morning To You Too

I stayed curled up there as he slept beneath me. My fingers slowly tracing diagonal lines on his scalp his arms still resting on my back. A nurse walked in and stopped in shock.

“He initiated contact with you?”

“Yeah …” 

She sensed my confusion and thought for a minute before trying to explain herself. “He hasn’t really talked to any of us. Just stays in here alone staring at the wall. The only time we can get him to say a few words is when it’s his turn with the iPad. His face changes when he has it … it’s not so broken for those few minutes. I wish we didn’t need to keep him restrained but it’s protocol when patients are this introverted with us. He looks like a completely different person right now. It’s ok for you to keep the restraints off when you’re here.”

“When can he go home?”

“He can’t unless there is someone willing to stay with him. We asked him but he said that he didn’t know anyone that could.”

“I will … if it gets him out of this place I will sit right by his side 24/7. He doesn’t deserve to be here … he’s too special. I wish you could’ve seen him when we were younger. He was this beautiful ray of light so full of life. Just being around him was enough to make you feel invincible. This isn’t the Adam I know … but I’m going to be there to get that Adam back.”

“He must mean a lot to you …”

“He’s my everything … always has been since the day we met.” A small smile crossed his face and his eyes fluttered open, I should’ve known he was awake eavesdropping. The nurse looked on amazed to see this broken soul smile again.

“You’re my everything too Sauli … is it ok if I go home? I don’t want to be here anymore … please.”  
The nurse paused and gently took Adam’s hand in hers.

“I’ll go talk to your doctor. As long as your friend is willing to stay with you I don’t see why you can’t.” 

Adam’s face lit up and he gently sat upwards still clutching me in his arms … he was absolutely precious. Sure enough they gave Adam clearance to go home with a full prescription of low dose tranquilizers to take as needed. I thought it would be best for Adam to spend the first night at home without the kids so I called Rachel and asked if she would mind watching them overnight for me. She didn’t mind and the kids were in agreement seeing as they ADORED her. I had gone over to the house a bunch of times to put away all the replacement stuff that Adam had ordered so he wouldn’t have to deal with it when he got home. There was A LOT but I didn’t mind doing it … it was going to be a huge surprise for him he didn’t know. We walked in the house and he saw all the new cushions and he looked at me raising his eyebrow. I just smiled and proceeded to carry his bag upstairs to his room with Adam right on my heels. When we reached the room he saw the new bedding and walked into the closet to see all the clothes sorted and hung up. He looked at me again and brushed past me going into both of the kid’s rooms. After seeing that they were both full of the new toys, clothes, bedding and whatnot he walked back and wrapped his arms around me with tears in his eyes.

“Thank you SO much Sauli.”

“Hey it was the least I could do … I didn’t want you to have to worry about that. I just want you to come home and relax tonight. Then we can start to work on fixing everything tomorrow ok?”  
“Ok … I’ll try.”

“What do you want to eat? I’ll go make something if you’re hungry.”

“No not really hungry … these pills make me feel so full all the time.”

I paused a moment staring at him. He looked at me like he wanted to say something but was afraid too. “Do you need something else?” I looked on expectantly as he lowered his head. “What babe?”

“Can I talk to you … like about all this? They wanted me to talk with therapists but I just … don’t feel comfortable opening myself up like that to anyone … anyone but you.”

“Of course Addy … come on I know just the spot.”

I gently grabbed his arm and walked down into the movie theater then I raised the arm between two of the seats so we could sit sideways. He refused to look me in the eye still so shy about opening himself up again after all this time. But I didn’t want to force it out of him, this had to come on his own time. Finally after about 5 minutes he grabbed my hand and looked back up at me. 

“He’s not a good guy … not in any way. He would say such horrible awful things to all of us but especially me. I was his punching bag when things didn’t go his way … and even if they did he still found a way to bring me down. It was like he can’t be happy unless he is inflicting pain on someone else. I went to a party about a year ago and he happened to be there. He had tried to put the moves on me for weeks but I kept telling him I wasn’t interested. He saw me smoking a joint at the party and the next day he cornered me and told me that he had plucked a hair from my head the night before and if I didn’t go out with him he would call CPS and that would be all the proof they needed to take the kids away from me. By the time I realized that wasn’t the case he had been to the house and told me he stashed drugs EVERYWHERE in places I would never think to look. I still don’t know if he really did or not … I didn’t know what else to do but marry him. Thought that if we got married and he actually did I could say they were his. Figured it would at least give me a shot even if I was just a miniscule one.” He took a break looking at my hand that was clasped in his rhythmically tracing a finger with his. “He broke me down so much … I don’t know how to come back from that Sauli. All I could think about every time he put me down was that you would’ve never done that to me. Yeah we got in fights but you would’ve never said the things he said to me. I was a fool to ever let you go … I guess he was my karma.”

“No don’t say that Adam … you didn’t deserve that. You are a beautiful person Adam I just want you to ALWAYS remember that. I wouldn’t be here today if it wasn’t for you … you saved my life Addy.”

“And you saved mine …” He kissed my forehead and pulled me back against him so that my back was against his chest. He leaned his head against my neck his breath gliding against my ear. It was crazy how something as simple as this made me feel like the luckiest guy on the planet. We were sitting there for quite a while when he continued. “I don’t know if I was actually going to jump or not. To say it wasn’t a thought in my head at that moment would be a lie but at the same time I knew it wasn’t the right decision. I knew I couldn’t leave Avery or Ezra … I knew I couldn’t leave you. I don’t know who called 911 but by the time they came I was a mess sobbing and shaking. It took 45 minutes for them to get me off the ledge because they thought if they approached I’d immediately jump. They knew I had tried to kill myself years ago the night Eber broke the bottle over my head so they flagged me right away. The awful thing is even right now I think about everything that is so fucked up that I have no idea how I’m going to fix it and I think how freakin easy it would be to just take some pills or put a bullet in my head. But I couldn’t … I wouldn’t. I just don’t know where to even start … I don’t know how to fix it. How can I still be a good dad when I feel like this … when my head is so fucked up? How can I take care of them when I can’t even take care of myself.”

I turned toward him taking his face in my hands, my thumbs rubbing familiar circles on his cheeks.   
“I will help you get everything sorted. We’ll make list and then go step by step until we get everything figured out. Everything is going to be ok Addy … we’ll make it work promise. You don’t have to worry I got you. That’s what you have me for … you lean on me ok? Together?”

He smiled hearing the word remembering how it was always ‘our thing’. 

“Together ...”

It was getting late so he decided he would go up to bed. I followed him upstairs a few minutes later and he was sitting on the edge of his bed. 

“Just wanted to say goodnight …”

I walked over and gave him a kiss wrapping my arms around him. He pulled away and looked me directly in the eyes.

“Will you stay here with me?”

“Of course Addy.”

I slipped off my shirt and figured I would just sleep in my jeans since I didn’t bring anything else with me. Adam just looked at me with a cheesy smirk knowing I would be uncomfortable and also that I usually slept naked. He reached over and started to slip off my belt. It surprised me but I allowed him to. He looked up and saw my shocked expression and giggled.

“Sleeping in your jeans is going to suck … how can you ever be comfortable? As long as you feel comfortable with it … it’s ok.” 

Slowly I slid off my jeans … what a day to decide to go commando. Even though he had seen me naked 1000’s of times I stood there embarrassed. He had always slept naked too but he sat there in his sweats afraid to freak me out. After a few moments I relaxed a bit and curled up under the covers on the other side of the bed. He stood up a moment with his hands on his hips looking at me questioningly. As soon as I nodded he slid them off and immediately got under the covers on his side taking off the prosthetic. The next 10 minutes were probably THE most awkward 10 minutes of my life as we both were super still afraid to move at all. I decided to make a bold move and turned toward Adam slowly moving toward him until I was against him. Then I gently rested my arm across his body. I could feel him take a deep breath and looked up into his eyes.

“Ok Addy?”

“Yeah … of course Sauli. Just not used to it … feels so foreign. But I love it … I love having you close.” I nuzzled against his chest moving in a bit closer and he ended up pulling me up on his chest where I fell fast asleep listening to the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. When I woke up he was tracing my spine with his fingers delivering teasing brushes to my ass cheeks when he realized I was awake. I let out a small moan and moved up to his ear lightly sucking on his earlobe. “Damn, soo good Sauli … fuckk.” 

I pulled away looking him in his eyes for a moment before our mouths met in passionate kisses. Before I knew what was happening he had me pinned underneath him fucking the hell out of me. He exploded inside me and didn’t pull out as he laid there on top of me as I panted my chest heaving beneath him. 

“You’re soo fucking … big. Don’t pull out yet … so fucking …. good.”

“Still my sexy dirty boy I see …”

He leaned down biting at my neck as I moaned beneath him my cock hardening more and more. He giggled and pulled out of me slowly nipping his way down my body until he reached my cock taking it deep in his mouth. It didn’t take long at all for me to explode and he sucked me dry dragging his tongue up my shaft before sliding back up my body. He kissed me deeply the taste of my jizz still on his lips … there was something so sexy about that. He pulled away and stared deep in my eyes until I gave him a love drunk smile back.

“Well good morning to you too …” I mumbled happily setting down on his chest, mine still heaving with every breath. I was there a good 10 minutes before I finally was able to control my heartrate. “Damn I missed that dick of yours in my ass…”

He chuckled and gently lifted up my face so I was looking him in the eyes. “You couldn’t have missed me TOO much … I’m sure there have been others the past 4 years …”

“Nothing like you … that was my first good fuck since we split.” 

“Well I’m glad that I can be of service then.” He kissed my forehead gently brushing back the few strands that had fallen forward. He was damn near perfect even when he wasn’t trying to be. Pulling me closer, he allowed me to bury my head into his neck. The doorbell ringing interrupted our moment and Adam immediately got up throwing on his clothes before tossing mine to me. “I bet that’s my mom she’s going to take the kids to a hotel for the week so that we can work on everything. She wanted to come see me first I just told her about everything with Tyler. She’s worried about me … doesn’t want me to be alone. I didn’t tell her that you were here with me she’s going to be so happy to see you.”

He got up and trailed out to the living room as I followed behind quite a distance away. She walked in immediately wrapping her arms tightly around Adam holding him against her as tears made their way down both of their cheeks. 

“I’m here my sweet boy … don’t cry. Everything is going to be ok.”

“He’s ruined everything mom … took all my money, opened 10 credit cards in my name. My credit is completely screwed.”

“Adam why didn’t you tell me how bad things were … I could’ve helped you before it got this bad. I don’t want you to be all alone … you can’t do this alone.”

“I’m not alone mom … if I was I wouldn’t be here right now.” He looked down the hallway where I stood out of his mom’s sight. I walked forward and when she saw me she rushed over pulling me into the biggest hug ever. 

“Sauli oh my god it’s SOO good to see you. I can’t believe you’re here. Thank you … thank you for being here for him.”

“Of course Leila … he’s everything to me. I wouldn’t dare not be here for him.”

Adam looked at me with teary eyes and opened his arms pulling me in. I leaned upward kissing at his neck. “I don’t know what I’d do without you Sauli … you’re EVERYTHING to me.”

Leila looked at us with this huge smile on her face. It was as if seeing us together was the best thing that had happened in her life in forever. 

“Where are the kids? I was thinking about taking them to Florida for the week instead of just keeping them cooped up in a hotel room here.”

“Good idea … I think they’ll like that they’ve been through SO much lately. They are at Sauli’s place with his roommate. Sauli … do you think Rachel would bring them here? I want to see them quick … I miss them so much.” 

I nodded texting her to double check but I knew she’s be totally ok with it. Sure enough she said she’d have them there in about 45 minutes so Leila and I went upstairs to pack up their suitcases for the trip. By the time we were done we heard knocking on the door. Adam was sitting in the living room resting so I walked over opening the door. Ezra and Avery immediately threw their arms around me. 

“Sauli is that Grammy’s car outside?!? It looks like her car!” Avery’s little eyes were wide and she giggled and ran closely followed by Ezra when Leila walked in sight. “Grammy you ARE here!!”

“I am and I’m going to take you and your brother on a surprise trip for a whole week! We have to leave in a few minutes so I’ll go put your suitcases in the car and you can say goodbye to Sauli.”

She left leaving me with the kids. I leaned down getting down to their level. “Come with me for a minute … I want to show you something.”

They followed me into the living room and when they saw their dad sitting there the tears started and they ran to him gently climbing up on his lap. Both clinging to him wherever they could reach. They loved him SO much. 

“Daddy … are you back now?” Ezra’s face was stone serious and eyes focused. Adam just reached up gently caressing his cheek. 

“I’m here … I just have to take care of some stuff while you’re with your Grammy. I missed the both of you so much.” 

“You’re ok though right? You won’t throw up any more after dinner?” 

It was as if Adam didn’t want me to hear that as he quick reassured Avery and cuddled them both before walking them out to Leila. We stood at the door waving until the car disappeared out of sight. Adam walked away and I knew better than to question what Avery had said. It would only make him retreat all that much more. He stopped at the bottom of the stairs and glanced back at me.

“I’m really tired yet … I’m gonna go lie down.”

“Alright … you feel ok other than that?”

“Yeah … I’m fine just tired.”


	3. Fraud Reports

He didn’t invite me to join him as he quickly retreated to him room closing the door behind him. I knew I could go up anyway but instead I gathered all the paperwork we needed to take care of with the credit card companies. I pulled out the first one, two MasterCards with a overdraw balance of $2535.80 and $5803.26, and made the first phone call. By the time that Adam walked downstairs 5 hours later I had finished filing a fraud report with the credit bureau and contacted 3 of the credit card companies taking care of 7 of the 10 cards and faxing them the police report. You would think they would’ve put a stop to them after seeing so many accounts pop up from their companies but apparently not. Adam walked over to me wrapping his arms around me from behind before laying his head on my shoulder. I was on hold with Target Credit Card services trying to get a fraud report issued for that card.

“If you’re hungry I made some chicken noodle soup it’s on the stove.”

He didn’t move and I could feel his eyes intently staring at the paperwork on the table. He didn’t say anything for a good 5 minutes just stood there and snuggled into my back a little closer. The lady came back to the phone to let me know that she put a fraud alert on the account and attached the police report to the records so I thanked her and hung up. I got up and gently got Adam to sit in my place while I went to get him a big bowl of soup. When I walked back into the room he was going to protest about eating it but I shot him a look and he surrendered finishing everything that was there. He was quiet for quite a while until he finally spoke.

“I know you want to ask me about what Avery said … there is nothing to worry about. It just happened from nerves.”

He couldn’t look me directly in the eyes … I knew he was lying but I didn’t confront him on it. I didn’t want to ‘attack’ him. Instead I stood up gently grabbing his arm and together we walked out into the backyard. Heading over to the swing overlooking the pond I had put in I sat down as Adam followed suit.

“Got 8 of the 10 companies contacted for you … they added the police report to their file and put fraud alerts on the accounts. I’m glad you were able to get some sleep.”

“I didn’t … not really anyway. It’s hard for me to fall asleep most of the time now. I hate being alone.”

Tears spilled from his eyes and I gently shushed him rubbing his cheek. “Why don’t we go upstairs then? I can cuddle up with you and you can get some sleep.”

“I don’t want to bother you …” His words came out so quiet and small much different than the jovial strong Adam I was used to. I put my hand on his shoulder intently staring in his eyes.  
“You know you’re no bother to me … you’d never be. I can always finish the calls up there once you’re out … then we won’t have to worry about making any more. We will just have to go fill out the reports at the bank tomorrow or the day after.”

Adam nodded and together we walked upstairs. It was so disheartening to see him like this. It was as if every last bit of light had been stolen from him and he was just so broken. It wasn’t fair … not after everything he had been through. He curled up in bed and I went to lovingly remove the prosthetic and he tensed up drawing his leg up to his chest. He realized what he did and relaxed the leg as he just let a wave of tears free. I held him close as he just let out these god awful sobs of agony. It was such an awful sound to hear coming from him. Coming from the guy who showed me that life was worthwhile … the guy that made me believe in love after doubting it existed for me for so long. He ended up crying himself to sleep and I gently got up sitting over at my desk to make the last two phone calls. It took about 90 minutes and then I went to stand up when there was an email notification from Adam’s account popped up on my screen. The subject was ‘Thought you might want to see this’ so I opened it so I could see who the sender was. I didn’t recognize the email and was about to click out of it when I realized there was a picture of Adam strapped down his head hanging over the end of bed. Tyler stood right in front of him he erect dick inches from Adam’s mouth. I stared at it appalled and then an attached video began to play. It was Tyler deep throating him to the point where Adam was gasping for air and all he would do was shove his dick in further his hands wrapped around Adam’s throat. Adam was letting out these awful gurgling gagging chokes and Tyler finally punched him in the face screaming that he “shouldn’t be a little bitch and should take it like a man.” It was in that moment that I realized what Avery was talking about, but the noise wasn’t throwing up … it was him being raped. Adam started to stir so I quickly closed down the email and walked back over to the bed. He stared up at me with sleepy eyes his voice mumbled from sleep.

“Where … were you?”

“I was just at the desk right here … I made the last two phone calls so now I am officially yours. You just tell me anything you want Adam …. anything you need and I’m there.”

“Just you …”

I brought myself back down against him and he brought me on his chest with the prosthetic still on. As he drifted back off underneath me I saw he had a scar behind his ear that ran a good 4”. What had this poor soul been through … what other horrors had he faced? I laid there and silently wept. When I woke up I was surprised to find that Adam wasn’t in bed with me. Then I heard it … the same sounds I had heard just mere hours before. Looking to my right I saw Adam at the computer with the video up on the screen. I didn’t know what to do but I walked over and clicked the X to close out of the window. He just looked at me his face frozen and eyes shattered.

“Adam … I’m so sorry.”

“There is so much more Sauli … so much more. I don’t know if I’ll ever be back to normal.”

“If you don’t that’s ok. It will be your new normal … OUR new normal. Will you tell me what else he did?”

He paused a moment trying to decide if he wanted ultimately deciding that I would just keep asking if he didn’t. He got up and walked over to the bed sitting sideways gesturing to the bed next to him.

“I’m sure you saw this scar by now.” He gestured to behind his ear and as soon as I nodded he continued. “He attacked me with a knife one day for vomiting up his cum. He was so violent … so vicious. He always called me cripple and would degrade me if I ever had my stump visible. I couldn’t wear shorts or even underwear in the house. I couldn’t go swimming or sleep naked. There were days I couldn’t eat because he would call me fat and if I overate by his standards he would withhold food from me for a day or two. The kids didn’t see most of it … I tried my best to keep it hidden from them. He sent the video … he wants to torture me. He wants to make me suffer and I don’t know if or how much more I can take. I just want to be fixed … I want everything to be ok.”

I was at a loss for words as I reached over and slid up his pant leg. He tensed just a bit but he soon relaxed as my hands gently removed the prosthetic. I rested a hand on his stump gently rubbing circles with the fingertips. He laid back on his pillow savoring this simple gesture that he hadn’t experienced in way too long. I could see the stress leaving his face and I gently slid off both of our shirts laying on him skin to skin. I just laid there in the quiet and soon his fingertips were tracing lines on my scalp. I leaned upward my chin on his chest and smiled at him.

“You’re damn near perfect Ad. You know that right?”

“Only when you tell me.”

“I know you’ll need time to try to deal with everything he put you through. You got me for the long run this time ok? I got you and you don’t have to worry about anything you just focus on getting better.”

“You being here makes me better Sauli … I know you’d never be like him.”

“Never in a million years.”


	4. Check Email

Over the next month Adam started making great strides in his recovery every day a little better than the last. He still wouldn’t go out in public with his prosthetic showing or go anywhere with his shirt off. At first he wouldn’t even go anywhere without me but slowly he started making runs to the coffee shop or to the grocery store to grab a few things on his own. The kids were ecstatic that I was living with them and they had taken to calling me Papa out of the blue after asking Adam if it was ok. We were able to get Adam’s money back in his account with increased security features added and was also able to get his marriage with Tyler annulled. Things were starting to look up for him at last. I woke up to sunlight streaming in the window and blinked momentarily blinded. Adam wasn’t next to me so I ventured downstairs searching for him. The kids had spent the night with Desi because she was taking them and her stepson Eli to Disneyland early this morning. Adam’s car was in the driveway but I couldn’t find him anywhere downstairs. The backyard was the only place I hadn’t checked and when I walked out I was in for a surprise. Adam was out there with only his swim trunks on sunning himself on our lounger. He heard the scraping metal of the door opening and looked over at me with a smile.

“Mmmm hello my sexy guy. I couldn’t find you I was worried.”

“Your sexy guy eh?”

“Umm hmm very sexy … are you trying to get a tan?”

“Trying … you think I would learn by now that us gingers don’t tan we just burn. You wanna swim for a bit with me?”

“Sure … it’s really nice out today. Glad Desi picked today to take them at least they got a good day for it.”

I ran in the house to get changed into my swim trunks and when I came back outside Adam was in the water doing laps. I got in and he swam up to me playfully dunking me under the water. I came back up and chased him across with pool. Even with only one leg he was faster in the water than I was. I reached him at the other side and pinned him against the side of the pool. I smirked at him and gave him a kiss watching his face light up in response. Then I was off with a flash back across the pool Adam right on my tail. He caught me at the other end and held me tightly so I couldn’t get away. My hair was down in my eyes and he gently reached up smoothing it backward.

“Sauli … let’s get remarried.”

“Whaa … really?”

“Yes I’m totally serious … we could have a ceremony and everything. Our friends could be there … my mom could officiate and …” He trailed off seeing the look of shock on my face. “Don’t you want to?”

“Of course I do … you just surprised me is all. I would love to marry you again … you’re my world Adam. Without you I feel incomplete.”

He just smiled at me giving me a kiss and then holding me close in his arms. Our moment was interrupted by Avery and Ezra running over. Ezra was sobbing and ran right to the edge of the pool into Adam’s waiting arms.

“Hey bud what’s wrong … what happened?”

“He was there … he tried to … take me.”

“Who was there Ezzy?” Ezra was crying so hard at this point he couldn’t even speak. Avery looked at Adam with terror on her face but she was staying strong for her brother. It was usually the other way around.

“Bad papa … daddy. He tried to take Ezzy in the bathroom when he was in there with Eli. But Eli screamed really loud and scared him off.”

Desi walked into the backyard panicked and we both got out of the water. As soon as Adam got his prosthetic back on Ezra insisted on being held. Avery came over to me and I picked her up giving her some reassurance as well. I could see that Adam was struggling to hold it together and I wanted nothing more than to make him feel safe.

“I’m sorry Adam … he must’ve seen my Facebook post somehow. I don’t know who could’ve told him but someone had to. I don’t know how else he would’ve known. I didn’t think there would be anything wrong in letting Eli and Ezzy go in the bathroom by themselves.”

“It’s ok Desi … you did nothing wrong. Thank Eli for me …”

“I will … they called the police while we were there. It’s noted in the report … they’re on an active search right now there are some tips coming in. Do you need anything?” She looked over at me and I shook my head.

“No … we’ll be ok. You go home … I’m sure Eli is freaked out too.”

She left leaving the four of us alone. It didn’t take long for both the kids to fall asleep so we took them upstairs to the safety of their bedrooms. As soon as their doors were closed Adam slid down the wall sobbing. I leaned down pulling his arms open and holding him tightly the way the hospital had told me to do to calm him down.

“Calm down Addy, Ezzy and Avery are safe … he can’t get us here. We’ll be ok they’ll find him … everything is going to be ok.”

It took a good 10 minutes but he was finally calm enough to get up off the floor. We were planning on going to the grocery store to grab our stuff for the week but I knew Adam wasn’t in the headspace to go at the moment. So I got him settled in our room and after giving him a kiss I left for the store. It only took me about an hour to grab everything we needed and then I got in the car. I was about to start it when I realized that Tyler was in the backseat. He grabbed at my stomach holding me back against the seat a knife in his hand.

“Take me to the house … NOW.”

“You’re not going to hurt Adam or the kids. I wouldn’t DARE take you there.”

He turned the knife so that it left a nick in my stomach … I groaned in pain as he pressed it deeper.

“I said take me NOW or I’m going to KILL YOU. Do you understand?”

“No! You could skin me alive and I still wouldn’t take you there you bastard!”

As he jammed the knife in me again he loosened his grip on my left arm and I swung it forward slamming it down on the horn. It blared and immediately everyone in the parking lots attention was on the car. Tyler opened the door and took off swinging the knife wildly at those trying to stop him. Lifting up my shirt I could see I had a good 4” gash on my stomach and it definitely looked deep enough for stitches. I quick went to urgent care to get taken care of and headed home knowing that there was no way that Adam could ever find out about this. If he saw it I would just have to come up with something … I fell in the parking lot and a rock stabbed me, a¬nything so he wouldn’t know the truth. It was going to be hard because it definitely hurt. Adam was downstairs curled up on the couch with Leila who had been spending most of her time at her LA condo while Adam was recovering. She saw me and walked over giving me a hug. I winced as she held me close and a prayed that she wouldn’t question it.

“You ok Sauli?” Shit she saw … think Sauli think.

“Yeah I’m fine just feeling a bit tired. I’m going to go put this stuff away in the kitchen.” Adam went to get up to help and I gently stopped his movement. “No babe it’s ok I can manage myself you just relax.”

He protested a moment but finally relaxed himself back into the couch cushions. I was in the kitchen for about 5 minutes when Leila walked in. I was putting stuff on a high shelf and when I extended I let out a wince which she immediately noticed.

“Sauli … what’s wrong?” She whispered carefully making sure that Adam couldn’t hear. After checking to make sure he was still sitting in the living room, I carefully lifted up my shirt so she could see the damage, all 16 stitches of it. She gasped and gently took my face in her hands. “What happened?!?”

“Tyler … he was in my car at the grocery store when I left. He told me to bring him here or he would kill me. I refused but was able to free my arm and blare the horn. He got spooked and ran but not before … I don’t want Adam to know … he can’t know.”

She had a strange look on her face and I turned around to see Adam standing at the doorway. My shirt was still semi up and he looked at me with concern filled eyes.

“Are you ok? Did he hurt you anywhere else?” I shook my head no and he gestured me over wanting to inspect the damage close up. He gently pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead. “I’m so glad you’re not hurt worse … he could’ve killed you. It wouldn’t be the 1st time he tried …”

I was shocked that he wasn’t breaking down like earlier but I couldn’t say that it was something strange. He had always been the one to protect me and put my needs in front of his own.

“I would’ve let him skin me alive rather than bring him here … I would give my life to protect you and those 2 beautiful kids upstairs.”

“You shouldn’t have to make that choice …”

“I’m really tired … I’m going to go lie down.”

He looked me in the eyes like he was trying to read how I was feeling. It was obvious he could tell I was scared and in more pain than I was letting on. He let me go upstairs and curl up in bed but it was only 5 minutes until he was up there with me. He brought me on his chest and just let me cry, promising me that he would keep me safe … that nothing like this would ever happen to me again. I didn’t leave the house much alone for a good month. If I went out Adam was right beside me, and when he went out I was right beside him. Leila had been staying with us at the house while Tyler was still on the loose so we didn’t have to take the kids out much. It was about 2 months later when Adam got the flu really bad and needed medicine. Leila was out of the country doing work in a few of her overseas restaurants for 2 weeks and in his state Adam was too sick to go out. The kids were spending a few days at Desi’s house since Eli & Ezra were off of school so I headed off to the pharmacy alone. While I was out I ran to a couple more stores to grab what we needed for the next week or so and Target was my last stop. Before I left, I headed into the bathroom. I was washing my hands when the guy in the stall emerged. It only took seconds for me to realize that it was Tyler. I was about to scream when he covered my mouth grabbing me into the stall. In one swift motion he slammed me against the wall with such force I felt crippling pain in my jaw almost assured that it was broken. He ripped my pants downward and shoved a knife deep in the hole twisting as a moaned in agony before he slammed his dick deep in one swoop. The more I struggled the harder his assault and as much as I tried I could not get away. Blood poured out of my mouth and ass and instead of him stopping me just went deeper and deeper. He finally came and grabbed my face as I cried shoving me to the ground.

“This will teach you a lesson you fucking piece of shit. You are NOTHING and will NEVER be anything. I won’t be caught and I will follow and torture you EVERYWHERE you go. I know you switched Ezra’s school. Morganville Academy … I watch him in the playground every day just waiting until I can take him. By the way … you might want to tell Adam to check his email so you can prepare for your new addition. It was a pleasure Sauli.”

As he went to leave Target security was there and grabbed him taking him down to the ground as he fought and struggled even with 4 guys on him. He screamed that he was going to kill us and that was the last thing I remembered before I blacked out. I came to in the ambulance for a few minutes and just kept repeating “Adam” and “check email” over and over before I was out once more.

When I woke up I was in a hospital bed hooked up to monitors and IV drips. Adam was sitting in the chair next to the bed and he smiled noticing I was awake.

“Hey babe …”

“Yyyyooo …” The pain in my face was unbearable and he gently rubbed my arm shaking his head.

“No baby no speak … your jaw is broken they had to wire your mouth shut.”

He handed me a dry erase board so I could communicate so I took it and carefully wrote out what I wanted to say.

Are you ok? You didn’t get your medicine I’m so sorry. Did you check your email?

“Of course you would worry about me, don’t you dare feel sorry. I’m fine it’s been a week they kept you pretty sedated you’ve been awake here and there but very groggy. The hospital contacted Rachel and she went and got the stuff from your car and brought it to me. She sat with you the first 2 days until I started feeling better then she took the kids camping. They’ll be coming home in 2 days. Yeah I did … you don’t need to worry about that right now. Just focus on healing … you can come home in a few days.”

I felt so violated … I just wanted to be able to curl up in his arms. It was the only place in the world I felt safe.

Can you lay here with me? I don’t wanna be alone … please.

He looked at the tears streaming down my face and gently curled up next to me carefully holding me against him. My breathing steadied and the tears stopped.

“I’m so sorry … you should’ve never been alone. He’s a sick bastard and I hope he rots in jail.”

“I … love … you.” The words came out mumbled and barely audible but I just had to say them. He smiled and gently kissed my forehead.

“I love you too angel.”


	5. Playing God

 

I woke up in our bed and Adam was walking in with a giant milkshake the kids right on his heels. He walked over smiling gently brushing my hair back from my face.

“Morning Papa … I’m so happy you’re home. It was so sad to be here without you.” Avery carefully climbed up as I gently rubbed her back. She was such a sweet soul.

“I helped Daddy make your milkshake. Here Papa.” Ezra was so proud of himself as he handed me the tall frosted glass. He quick got a little snuggle and then the both of them were off to play in the playroom.

“You don’t know how good it feels to have you home angel …”

I smiled as he gently got in bed letting me cuddle against him. Now that the swelling and pain was down a bit I was able to talk although it was kinda hard to understand me with my jaw wired shut.

“Adam …” His eyes were immediately on me ready to get whatever my heart desired at a moment’s notice. “Will you tell me what Tyler was talking about with the email?”

He paused a moment taking a deep breath. “He officially went from directly trying to hurt us to playing god.” He noticed my extremely confused expression and took a moment before continuing. “When I first went thru the chemo they said that I might not be able to have kids after because it affects sperm count. So I had some sperm preserved at a sperm bank so that there could be a chance of having a biological child one day. Tyler must’ve found the paperwork somewhere and long story short some girl is pregnant with twins … one biologically mine and one biologically his.”

“What … how … what are you going to do?”

“I don’t know if I can raise his kid Sauli … but at the same time separating siblings would be terrible. Can you imagine this kid growing up never knowing that have a twin out there somewhere?” He had been so level headed and supportive that and I had mistakenly thought that everything was ok. Oh how wrong I was … this was so far from ok and the more I stared at him the more I could see the scared vulnerable weakness within. He was bottling up all his emotions again that knowing that killed me. “She’s coming here later … I explained everything to her and she feels betrayed as can be expected. Tyler told him we were married and that I was out of town for months on business. He forged my signature on forms and I have to pay her $60,000. I should be so excited to be a daddy again but I just can’t be.”

“Whatever you decide to do I’ll be right here.”

After finishing my milkshake I went and got showered and dressed offering to join Adam to meet with the surrogate. We got the kids settled in the playroom watching Tangled and walked out to the living room to wait for her to arrive. The doorbell rang and Adam took a deep breath and got up to answer it. A few minutes later he walked back over with this young brunette with crystal blue eyes and a beautiful smile.  
“Katie this is Sauli … my fiancé.”

She reached over and shook my hand with a smile sitting down across the table from Adam and me.

“Before we start, Adam I’m so sorry if I knew what a liar he was I never would’ve agreed.”

“It’s ok Katie … you didn’t know.”

“Considering the situation they can do selective elimination while keeping her safe.”

“It’s a girl?” I could see Adam’s face light up as Katie nodded. He had always talked about wanting a biological daughter one day. I already knew she was going to be loved beyond measure. “What is the other baby?”

“A boy.”

“How have you been feeling?”

“Really good … very little nausea and some minor heartburn. Just had the anatomy scan last week and the doctor said they are doing wonderful and measuring right on target. You just let me know what you want to do it’s your call.”

Right then Avery walked into the room interrupting the conversation looking upset.

“Daddy … the tv went weird. I hit something on the remote … I didn’t mean to. Ezra tried to help but it didn’t work.”

“It’s ok sweetie I’ll come in and fix it nothing to worry about.”

Avery noticed that someone new was here and as soon as she saw her baby bump her eyes lit up.

“Do you have a baby in your belly?!?!?”

“Yes I do ... would you like to feel the baby kick?”

“Oh can I?!?”

As soon as Adam shook his head she pranced over her hand joining Katie’s as she rubbed on her one side. Soon she must’ve felt a kick because a look of shocked joy crossed her face. She giggled and after thanking Katie grabbed Adam’s hand and he excused himself walking back in the playroom to fix the TV. Katie looked at me with a smile.

“Is she biologically Adam’s as well?”

“No … their mom was a really good friend of ours. She had no family and when she passed away she had in her will that she wanted Adam to have custody of the kids.”

“OH she has a sibling?

“Yeah an older brother … he’s 6 and she’s 4. They are just amazing … I don’t know what I would do without them in my life.”

“She’s going to be an amazing big sister.”

“That she will be …”

Adam walked back in the room a few minutes later and sat down at the table. He grabbed my hand holding it tightly and took another deep breath.

“No selective abortion, I want them both … WE want them both.”

He looked me in the eyes and smiled a tear running down his cheek. For the first time I could tell it wasn’t from pain but from the joy in seeing Avery’s reaction. These new arrivals were going to be loved beyond measure. Katie reached over and gently took Adam’s hand.

“This little boy will be NOTHING like his sperm donor. He will be kind, gentle, loving and confident. We are not always our blood … we’re who steps up and helps us grow and loves us. I can see with the both of you as his daddies he is going to be an adored amazing little boy.”

We both had tears in our eyes as we walked over and hugged Katie. She pulled away with tears in her eyes as well. She left after we signed some paperwork and I looked Adam in the eyes.

“Are you sure you’re ok? I don’t want you bottling up everything. I don’t want you to lock yourself away. You can be real with me … I WANT you to be real with me. I want to know what you’re thinking, dreaming, hoping. I wanna know what you’re scared of even if it seems inconsequential or stupid to you. It matters to me and it’s not. Just because I was just thru hell doesn’t mean I can’t save you from your own personal hell.”

“I’m going to marry the hell out of you Sauli … god I love you. I already talked to Katie about this on email but I want you to adopt the twins. I want them to be yours from day 1 … I want to go on this journey together.”

“Baby … I love you too. God I wish I could kiss you right now. That’s what’s the hardest about all this. Not the discomfort … not having to drink my meals through a straw. It’s just that I can’t kiss you … and that I can’t have you know what with you.”

He smirked and even so softly kissed my lips. “I’m not worried about that in the least. I just want you better … that’s all I want.”

“And that’s all I want for you too.”

The movie ended so the kids came barreling into the living room and jumped on the couch with us.

“Daddy who was that lady?”

Adam looked at me with a questioning look and I nodded so I smiled at Avery.

“She is a special friend of ours her name is Katie. She is going to have 2 babies and they are going to be your little brother and sister.”

“Wow really?!?” Ezra was so excited but Avery sat there with a puzzled look on her face.

“But Daddy … how does she have your babies in her belly?”

Adam didn’t quite know how to respond so I took over thinking up a way to explain the birds and the bees on the fly.

“Daddies can’t grow babies in their bellies only mommies can. So when 2 daddies are together they have to get a mommy to grow the baby in her belly for them so that they can have a baby.”

“So when I’m a mommy I can grow a baby?”

“Yes you can …”

“Oh good. I’m going to grow babies for daddies too like Katie because papa you and daddy are the bestest daddies ever. I want other daddies to have babies so they can have the 2 daddies too. When do we get to bring our little brother and sister home?”

“You two are the bestest kids ever. You’re going to be GREAT big siblings. Not until the end of November. They still have to grow some more yet.”

“Can we get presents for the babies?!?” Ezra joined his sister and in chorus of pleads and we both giggled.

“Alright we’ll go to the baby store. Go get washed up and ready to leave.”

Within an hour we were at Babies R Us and we allowed the kids to get an outfit & small toy for each of the babies. While we were there Adam started showing joy and was running around the store grabbing things and stuffing them in the cart. We even ended up buying the car seats and ordered the rest of the furniture and gear to be delivered. The thing we were most excited to find were two white onesies with rainbow gradient text that said “Love Makes A Family” and the girl version had a rainbow tutu attached TOO cute! Both of the kids were adamant that THEY were going to pay for their gifts with their piggybank money so I secretly got them gift cards with $50 each telling them I only used their money so that they could use them to pay. Avery walked up to the check lane so proud of herself and placed the purchased on the counter.

“These are for my new baby brother and sister!” She announced proudly to the cashier who gave her a big smile and acted all excited.

“Oh WOW you’re going to be a big sister! Are they here yet?”

“Oh no not till November I think …” she looked back at Adam and me for confirmation of the month and we both nodded giggling. “Yeah November … I won’t see them till then Katie is still growing them for my daddies.”

The cashier giggled and reached underneath the counter presenting Avery with a ‘sister-to-be’ sticker. She was BEYOND thrilled and so was Ezra when he got his ‘brother to be’ sticker. Adam had texted Leila a photo of a boy and a girl onesie laying on the shelf and he started laughing as we were walking back to the car reading her texts which had started to come in 35 minutes ago while we were sorting out the furniture situation.

_Are you trying to tell me something? I’m in meeting are you serious right now?!?!_   
_Can you text me back PLEASE?!?!_   
_ADAM HELLO!!! YOU CAN’T JUST SEND ME A PHOTO LIKE THAT AND JUST DISAPPEAR WHAT THE HELL!!!!_   
_-missed call-_   
_I LEFT THE MEETING AND NOW YOU WON’T ANSWER YOU PROBABLY THINK THIS IS FUNNY. IF YOU ARE DOING THIS AS A JOKE SO HELP ME GOD_   
_-3 missed calls-_   
_ADAM MITCHEL LAMBERT ANSWER YOUR GOD DAMN PHONE RIGHT NOW!!!!_

We got the kids settled in the car and Adam facetimed his mom. She was about to yell at him when she saw the kids in the backseat.

“Is it true? You weren’t playing a prank on me were you?”

“No … you’re going to be a grandma again … they’re due the end of November.”

“Twins …. I can’t believe it. I’m so happy for you both but why so sudden?”

“It’s a long story and I can’t really talk about it right now but suffice it to say that a certain someone had a hand in it I’ll text you the details. But regardless they are a blessing and we are thrilled.”

“Grammy I’m going to be a big sister!!!”

“And I’m going to be a big brother again … I’m going to have a little brother!!!”

She smiled seeing how excited Ezra and Avery were. “You are going to be the best big siblings ever! Grammy misses you both SOO much.”

She blew them kisses and after saying goodbye to us we disconnected and drove home.


	6. Elliott & Aria

Over the next 4 months we got everything ready for them and the nursery fully stocked with everything they could possibly need. Adam’s family and our friends gave us SOOO much stuff. We bought a new Hyundai Santa Fe so we would have a 7 seater to go out together instead of having to take 2 cars. Katie had come over for dinner numerous times and she was now an official member of the family. Avery and Ezra ADORED her and the feeling was mutual. The kids were counting down the days in anticipation and we were surprised with a call a month early that she was in labor. We were with her the whole time she was in labor and 26 hours later at 7:08am Aria Elizabeth Lambert entered the world at 5lbs 2ozs followed at 7:15am by her brother Elliott John Lambert who weighed 5lbs 6ozs. They were so tiny and absolutely perfect. Together we cut the umbilical cords and as soon as they got cleaned up they brought them in the room. I took Elliott and Adam took Aria … we were both in total awe. Thankfully Elliott didn’t look a thing like his daddy so we were blessed with good genes on Katie’s side. I walked over to Katie and put my hand on her arm.  
“Thank you …”

“You are so welcome … and I would do it all over again.”

We all moved into a private room to give Katie time to rest and about an hour later after we finished feeding them, Leila brought Avery and Ezra in. They walked in wearing ‘I’m a big sister/brother to twins’ shirts that Rachel ordered on Etsy for them. They were so excited to hold their new siblings. Seeing the 4 of them together made me feel like the luckiest man on Earth. We were each holding one of them when Adam smiled at me.

“I have a surprise for you.”

He gestured behind me and I saw Leila standing there with a ring box. Adam walked over taking my free hand with his.

“I know I said I wanted to have a huge ceremony and everything but I realized that all I want is for us to be together again. I want to marry you Sauli … right here, right now. We don’t need any guests here to witness this but these 4 beautiful kids of ours.”

“I love you … so much. Yes … of course.”

With that we said our I do’s in that small cramped hospital room but to us it didn’t matter … to us it was perfect and we wouldn’t have wanted it any other way. Adam was doing spectacularly well adjusting to having 2 little humans who needed our attention 24/7. He didn’t treat Elliott any differently than he did Aria which was beautiful to see. Aria was a totally easy going baby very rarely cried she was always so pleasant. Elliott on the other hand had colic so he was miserable half the time. It was about 2 months later and I had been up with Elliott the whole night before so I was dead tired. Adam offered to take him so that I could get some much needed sleep. I was woken up 2 hours later to yelling and crying. Then I heard the front door close. The crying continued so I got up and followed it into the twin’s nursery. There was Elliott his little fists balled up wailing in his bouncer seat with Avery trying to calm him down to no avail. 

“Avery where is Daddy?”

“He was sad and crying … he left. Elliott wouldn’t stop crying.”

I reached down gently picking Elliott up and I immediately rested him on his belly perched on my forearm his little head at my elbow. As I walked the hall rubbing his back and making shushing noises the cries seemed to diminish a little.

“It’s ok E … I know your tummy hurts. Papa is right here buddy.”

It took about 90 minutes but I finally got him to fall asleep. Carefully I transferred him into our baby carrier and wore him around the house while I fed Aria and got dinner started. After Adam was gone 4 hours I started to worry. He wouldn’t answer his phone and the GPS tracker wasn’t working. I called Rachel and she went out to look for him. It was 9pm and the kids were all peacefully sleeping by the time that Rachel returned followed by a completely broken Adam. She nodded and waved to me before leaving the 2 of us alone. I ran over and threw my arms around him.  
“Where were you? I was so scared … you wouldn’t answer your phone.”

“I’m sorry … I forgot it.” His eyes were red and puffy and it was obvious he had been crying for quite a while. I gently took his cheek in my hand and he broke collapsing to the floor in a heap of sobs. “I … can’t do … this. I tried … and I … just can’t. I’m a … terrible … father.”

“No … you’re not. You are an AMAZING daddy.”

“I couldn’t even get E to stop crying. He … hates me.”

“It takes quite a while for me to get him to sleep too. It’s the colic … it’s not you. He doesn’t hate you I promise you he doesn’t hate you.”

“I need help … I feel so lost … so worthless.”

“We’ll get you whatever it is you need … if you need to talk to someone I’ll set that up for you. I’ll do whatever I can … I promise. I love you.”

“I love you … I just can’t live like this … I just can’t.”

I just stayed there holding him tightly in my arms … I didn’t know what else to do. When I woke up in the morning Adam was nowhere to be found again but this time I found a note on the fridge.

_Sauli,_

_I am so sorry but I need help … I’m afraid I’m going to do something I regret. I went to a depression treatment center the information is on the counter. I don’t know how long they’re going to keep me. I hate leaving you with all the kids … I hate that I’m such a failure that I can’t do anything right. I needed to do this … I have to get better. I called my mom and she’s going to come stay at the house to help you … I love you so much. I’ll see you soon._

_Me_


	7. Hillcrest

It was a long 4 weeks until I was able to contact him or see him and I looked forward to that day. Leila had been with me the whole time and she was a total blessing. The kids were all doing amazing even though Avery and Erza missed their daddy something awful. It took about 90 minutes to drive to the treatment center and after checking in they escorted me back to his room. He looked so much healthier, his skin was rosy and he had gained some weight. He saw me and gave me this brilliant smile … god it was amazing to see this sweet soul smile.

“Sauli … I didn’t know you were coming. I missed you so much …”

“I missed you too baby.” I walked over and hugged him giving him a kiss afterward. Tears filled my eyes and he reached up gently brushing them away. “I’m sorry … you just look so good.”

“I feel better … it’s still hard but they say I’m making great progress. They put me on this medication, Paxil I think it’s called, and it helps … it just makes me so hungry. How are the kids?”

“Ezra and Avery are doing good they miss you of course. Aria and Elliott are getting so big. They smile and giggle now and Elliott’s colic is gone. He was allergic to his formula … switched him to soy and it was like night and day.”

“That’s good …” He stopped closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths in succession. I reached over and gently took his hand rubbing the back of it. His eyes fluttered open and the calm washed over him. “I’m sorry … I just get reminded of what he did when I think about the twins. They said that will probably always be there. There is no getting over it.”

“I know baby …”

He looked at me with a look of empathy realizing that of all people I would know this. He did rape me as well.

“How are YOU holding up?”

“I’m ok …” As much as that was true I still did have moments of overwhelming fear at times especially now that I was alone. It was as if Adam could tell I wasn’t being honest and he gently pulled me down on the bed next to him.

“No, really how are you … the truth.”

“I’ve been having really bad anxiety attacks. I guess it’s because I was so focused on helping you when you were home that I didn’t notice or have time to think about myself. Now that I’m alone it’s ... really hard. I don’t want you to worry about me … I don’t want to take your focus away from working on you.”

“I’ll be home in 10 days …”

“Really?!?”

Adam smiled and nodded pulling me against him in his arms. They had told me he would probably be in another month when I had talked to his doctor 2 weeks before but I guess he had made good progress in those 2 weeks.

“I hate knowing you’re hurting, but at least we can help each other then. You promise you’ll be there even knowing I’m not ever going to be normal again?”

“Of course … I promised for better or worse did I not? I could never give up on you just because you have been through some awful stuff that has changed you. You are still my wonderful loving beautiful soul. I wouldn’t change one thing about you.”

“I wouldn’t either Sauli … you’re my best friend.”

“And you are mine …”

He laid down and we just cuddled for hours until family day was over and I had to leave. When the kids found out that their daddy would be home in just 10 days they were BEYOND thrilled and we started getting things to decorate the house and we planned to have a little party with just us and Leila. Four days later I was woken up at 2:30am my phone madly buzzing on the nightstand. Sleepily I grabbed for it and seeing it was the treatment center I started to panic.

_“Hello?”_

_“Is this Sauli …?”_

_“Yes it is …”_

_“Adam was just rushed to the hospital. You need to get there as soon as you can.”_

_“What happened?!?”_

_“We don’t know … just get to the hospital ok? UCSD Medical Center ….”_

With that the lady hung up. After quick telling Leila I had to leave I started on the drive there. So many things were swirling in my head. How could they not know what happened? I thought this was one of the highest ranked facilities. Why were they not watching him? He was doing so well when I had been there. What felt like 10 hours later, I finally got to the hospital and at the ER was directed to his room in the ICU. The sight in front of me made my blood run cold. There was Adam still on the bed hooked up to a dozen monitors. As I stood there a doctor walked over and gently put his hand on my shoulder.

“Are you family?”

“Yes … I’m his husband.”

“Let’s sit in here and talk. Ok?” I nodded and we walked further into Adam’s room sitting down on the day bed that lined the wall. “I don’t know if the facility told you anything?"

“No … they said they didn’t know what happened.”

“Oh … he overdosed on his Paxil. They found him seizing in his room and we almost lost him on the way here. He’s in a coma and we don’t know what to expect when and if he wakes up …”

“If?” The word squeaked out and as the doctor nodded it felt like my lungs were being deflated and I couldn’t get air back into them. What could make him go from doing so well just 4 days before to overdosing? It didn’t make any sense. “I just don’t understand how this could happen … I thought there were cameras in all the rooms.”

“That I don’t know … all I can say is be here for him. Let him know you’re here. Prayers couldn’t hurt either.”

The doctor left and I walked over to the bed. His face was so pale and lifeless a ventilator breathing for him. Gently I caressed his cheek kissing his forehead.

“I’m here baby … your Sauli is here. I love you so much Adam.”

There was no way I would be able to talk to anyone right now so I quickly texted Leila to let her know what was going on and she got a hold of Rachel to watch the kids so she could make the drive down too. The next week was really hard. I would only leave his side for 30 minute intervals to quick take a shower in the morning and grab something substantial to eat for breakfast and dinner and only while Leila could be there. No way was I leaving him alone again. I was down in the cafeteria waiting in line to checkout when Leila texted me that Rachel had a family emergency so she had to leave right away. I quick paid for my food and sat down scarfing it down in record time since food wasn’t allowed in the ICU department. When I walked back in the room a girl I didn’t recognize was standing next to the bed with tears in her eyes. She realized I was in the room and brushed the tears away.

“You must be Sauli …”

“Yeah … I’m sorry who are you?”

“I’m Amanda, I was Adam’s nurse at Hillcrest . I just quit this morning there is no way I’m going to let this happen to someone else … I couldn’t live with myself if I did.”

“Wait, what do you mean let this happen?”

She paused a moment biting at her lip. “He was doing so well, he was SO excited to get home to be with you and the kids. He talked about you guys ALL the time. There is this patient named Thomas who has out of room privileges when in mine and others opinion there is no way he should. He’s violent, erratic and most of all EXTREMELY homophobic. He apparently saw you visiting and realized that Adam was gay. The next day I caught him in Adam’s room threatening to kill him for being a … for being gay. Adam was terrified.” She looked at me not wanting to say the word faggot. Tears spilled down her cheeks as she continued. “I submitted a report and request to have him restrained in his room but they denied it saying that words aren’t enough to qualify him for restraint status. The day before he overdosed I found Thomas in Adam’s room again trying to rape him with a broom handle. I grabbed Thomas and brought him back to the room and had someone sit with him while I submitted another report and request which they finally accepted … but Adam was so broken by then. I don’t even know how many other times Thomas was in the room. They had me on a different floor working overnights the 2 days in between because there were a lot of call offs. I checked in on him a few times and he was curled up in a fetal position sleeping. Some of the other nurses don’t care … all they worry about is that they aren’t the ones being attacked. I don’t know how he got enough Paxil to overdose. I suspect it was Thomas … there was another incident last year with another patient who was gay. He overdosed as well and we found an empty Paxil bottle in Thomas’s room. I don’t know how he got it but he did then and it wouldn’t surprise me if it was him this time too. Adam didn’t deserve this … he’s such a sweet soul.”

“Do you think that Adam took the pills himself … or …?”

“I don’t know they didn’t let me see the camera footage. But seeing Adam in the state he was the day before I think he would’ve done anything to escape that. If I were you I would go to the police and make them get a warrant for the footage. Now or I know for sure it will disappear. It’s not able to be deleted for 2 weeks. In fact I will go ask the nurses station to call the police to come in … I’ll testify and tell them exactly what I told you. This has to stop.”

I nodded as she walked out and I resumed my normal spot on the chair at the head of his bed gently stroking his hand. About 40 minutes later Amanda walked back in followed by 2 police officers. The one took a few steps toward me and extended his hand in greeting.

“You must be Sauli …”

“Yes …”

“Miss Thompson here just gave us her statement. My partner is over at Hillcrest right now with a warrant to get video surveillance from in Adam’s room. We are going to get to the bottom of this. Here is my card I’ll get your contact info from the nurse’s station and either me partner or I will give you a call once we find out anything.”

“Thank you officer … thank you Amanda.”

They both nodded in acknowledgement and walked out leaving me alone with Adam. He still looked so terrible and my heart broke knowing the reasoning behind this. Amanda was right he didn’t deserve it. At dinner time I just stayed in the room not wanting to leave him alone. My stomach started to grumble and I was just about to ask a nurse to sit with him while I ran down to the cafeteria super quick when I looked over and saw Adam’s eyes slowly opening.

“Adam I’m here baby … I’m here.”

He didn’t look at me it was as if he was just staring at nothing. I ran to the door and yelled for a doctor and soon it was a flurry of activity in the room. They made me stand outside and I just watched them poke and prod at him through the glass window. After about 20 minutes they all emerged and Adam’s doctor walked over to me.

“He was able to follow our commands and track voices intermittently. It seems like he’s on the road to recovery. If he’s doing well with breathing on his own we can look at starting to wean him off the ventilator tomorrow and then possibly removing the ventilator sometime in the next 48-72 hours.”

He gently patted my shoulder and walked back down the hall. I walked in the room and took a deep breath. Adam had his eyes open and as I approached he looked at me. My heart felt like it was about to burst I was so excited.

“Hi baby …” Gently I took his hand in mine and after a few moments he slowly and gently wrapped his fingers around mine. “I love you so much Adam. You are EVERYHING to me …” My fingers caressed his forehead and I could see tears starting to trail down his cheeks. “No baby … don’t cry. Everything is going to be ok … we’ll get through this I promise. You just rest we have to get you better.”

He spent the majority of the first day sleeping but they were able to start to wean him off the ventilator and he was doing great. In fact it was only about 48 hours later when they decided to take him off it and see how he did with just some supportive oxygen. Leila had an emergency in London at one of her restaurants and nobody was able to watch the kids so I had to go back to LA. I decided to get a hotel room in San Diego for a few days and bring the kids with so it would make things a bit easier. There was a daycare center in the hospital and while it was usually just for the employees children they made an exception and let me pay to keep them there for a few hours so that I could go up to visit Adam for a bit. It was going to be my first time in to see him and I was nervous. To my surprise they had him sitting up in bed. He turned when I walked in and gave me a tired smile.

“Hello handsome … well isn’t this a surprise.”

“Hi … Sauli.” Those two little words were the most beautiful sound I had heard in forever. I walked over and gently took him in my arms holding him. He relaxed but it wasn’t long until the tears started again. I carefully pulled away and took his face in my hand rubbing his cheek. “I’m … so sorry.”

“There is nothing to be sorry about baby.”

“I … did … this.”

“I understand. I know what happened and I don’t blame you. The police are going to take care of everything. You have been through way too much … you are too special to feel so much pain. We are going to get through this ok?

“Together …” He questioned sniffling with a slight smile.

“Together baby … always.”

 


	8. Hero

The sun’s rays woke me up as I sleepily sat up smiling at the figures walking in the door.

“Good morning gorgeous. These two wanted to see their papa.”

The twins were walking in holding Adam’s hands. Adam scooped them both up placing them on the bed as they walked over with huge smiles and cries of ‘pa-pa’. Adam soon joined us and playfully grabbed Elliott tickling his belly as he laughed. It was so special to just lay here like this with them. Avery and Ezra were at school so we had it semi easy just having the twins here although they sure kept us on our toes. They were always on the move and getting into EVERYTHING. Adam had his moments with panic attacks but he was doing so amazingly … I was so proud of him. He was showing me what true courage and perseverance looked like. Today was going to be a little bit busier than most because Ezra’s school was having a ‘Dad Day’ where all the dads come in to his class and the kids had to each write something about their dad. Then each of the dad’s walk up to the front of the room and get a present their kid made. So together we got showers and then got Aria and Elliott washed up and dressed before heading over to the school. The babies were being so good while the other kids spoke and their dad’s were awarded their presents. Then it was Ezra’s turn. He walked up and we could tell at first he had some nerves but as he started to speak it seemed as though they started to go away.

“I have two dads and I love them with my whole heart. My papa’s name is Sauli and he’s really nice. I like him A LOT. My daddy married him last year. He’s really funny and he likes to watch videos with me and my brother and sisters. He cooks with my daddy and they make the best food. I love him SOO much because he takes care of us and makes sure we are ok. My daddy’s name is Adam. We had some bad stuff happen to us. My old papa would hurt my sister Avery and me with words but he’d really hurt my daddy. My daddy gets really sad sometimes when he remembers that. I wish that he didn’t have to remember it. My daddy is my hero because every day he gets up and even when he’s really sad and sometimes can’t get out of bed, he still takes care of all of us. I want to be like him when I grow up."

I had to agree with Ezra … Adam was my hero too.


End file.
